When you’re single, the thought of Valentine’s Day makes you sick.  So here are five Valentine’s Day gifts to give to the last person who dumped you:

1.)  BITTERSWEETS. They’re just like those little heart-shaped candies, but instead of saying things like “Kiss Me,” “Love You,” or “Be Mine,” they say things like “Mutual Disgust,” “Booty Too Big,” and “Return My CD’s.”

2.)  “SEX FOR DUMMIES.” Yep, they actually have a book called “Sex For Dummies.”  Send it to that ex you hate, and include a note that says you hope they have more success in their future relationships.

3.)  “LOVE STINKS” SOAP. It’s a big, pink, heart-shaped bar of soap with the words “Love Stinks” carved right into the front of it.  It sends the message that your relationship was awful,  but it also implies that the other person literally STINKS.

4.)  A DOORMAT. Just think of the underlying implication.  It’s the perfect way to say, “You don’t get to treat ME like a doormat anymore.”

5.)  THE BOYFRIEND PILLOW. It’s like a regular pillow, but with an arm sticking out the side that wraps around you.  It’s basically like saying, “I’m glad we’re not sleeping together anymore.  Here’s a memory-foam version of me so you don’t get lonely.”

(Holidash.com)

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Warren Sapp was arrested in Miami on Saturday night for misdemeanor domestic battery!

Not okay.

Sapp has been accused of violently attacking his girlfriend, who police noted had “a swollen right knee and bruises on the back of her neck” when they arrived at the Shore Club Hotel early Saturday morning.

The former NFL player’s girlfriend says Sapp attempted to throw her out of his hotel room, and when the two began quarreling, he “grabbed her and began to choke her.”

And the reason for the brawl?

Sapp has told the police he wanted his girlfriend to leave their hotel room because “he was expecting company.”

What a guy!

[Image via WENN.]

After a preliminary hearing last fall, Howard K. Stern, Dr. Sandeep Kapoor and Dr. Khristine Eroshevich are scheduled to be back in an El Lay courtroom in August to face drug conspiracy charges.

The three have been accused of supplying the late Anna Nicole Smith with sedatives and opiates, and will face a jury of their peers starting on August 4th.

And their plea?

Not guilty.

Of course.

(We don’t buy it!)

[Image via WENN.]

Goodness gracious Fiddy Cent!

Are U sad because nobody cares what you’re up to and want attention?? You already bitched about Nate Archibald for being prettier than you this week, and now you’re back to bashing Jay-Z?

50 was too stupid to realize how pathetic he sounded when he said:

“Jay-Z’s not smart enough to be afraid of me. We’re big rivals. If it ever came to an actual altercation he’d know what it’s like to be afraid.”

Yeah. You’re a real big man, aren’t you? We’re sure Jay-Z is really shaking in his rocawear sneakers!!

Please just go away now. And never come back.

[Image via WENN.]

And it went out with a bang big, fat thud!

Bette Midler’s Las Vegas show, The Showgirl Must Go On, ended on Sunday and no one really cared. She began her run at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace in February 2008 and it has since TANKED.

According to Comscore, Midler had 19,000 unsold seats in January!!!!

Yikes! It was her time to go!

[Image via WENN.]